Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Baseball and then a very strange transition

So Jeromy Burnitz isn't going to the Orioles after all. Reports have him going to the Pittsburgh Overhauls instead. So I'll have to adjust my previous analysis. The Orioles will still stink. Jeromy Burnitz will still stink in the very near future. The Pirates "makeover" gets a slight notch of extra credibility. They too will stink, however. That takes care of that.

The Astros sign Preston Wilson to a one year deal. Now, either Tim Purpura has forgotten that you only get to start 3 OFs or Drayton McLane has plans to move the Astros to a softball league next year and play Wilson in left-center, because I'm not sure what they're going to do. Berkman, Taveras, Lane left to right. Ensberg and Bagwell at the corners. Where does Wilson fit? Truth is, there is a place for Wilson on this team. First, they may know or strongly suspect that Bagwell isn't coming back as a full time player. If that's the case, Berkman will spend most of the time at 1st and there will be enough ABs for everybody. If Bags is healthy then I guess Lane or even Taveras is trade bait. The Astros need trade bait because they're short on pitching. They've got Wandy Rodriguez and Ezequiel Astacio making a weak back end of the rotation, and 0nly have 5 relievers listed on their depth chart. Their current 40 man roster has names like Matt Albers, James Barthmaier, Juan Gutierez, and Jason Hirsh. These guys are all younger than me and pretty much have no major league service time. However, I do think Jason Hirsh pitched well for Frisch in 1999.

Seeing Hirsh on the Astros roster got me thinking - what is the current all-yeshiva team throughout baseball? You guys know me, I'm dilligent. So I looked at each roster and came up with the following names for you, along with commentary (note: any similarities to actual names and/or personalities of people you may know is honestly 100% coincidental, so please don't get offended on anybody's behalf):

Dan Meyer (Oak) - If this guy doesn't shut up about making Aliyah you're gonna fly him to Israel yourself or kill him.
Gabe Gross (Mil) - Guy your age from LA, went to HaKotel. Have mutual friends and chat with him when you see him. Good guy.
Aaron Hill (Tor) - Nice guy in your grade, never knew him that well. He went to Sha'alvim and then YU and majored in accounting.
Josh Kroeger (ARZ) - Good ballplayer in Ramaz, kind of a druggie but flipped out in Israel.
Steve Schmoll (LA) - Mid 30ish guy with glasses and fat wife in your shul, works for Ernst & Young. You once spoke to him and could live without doing it again.
Steve Kline (SF) - Late 40's guy in your shul, lawyer at Skadden. Always gets there at 9:45 and talks most of the time.
Jason Schmidt (SF) - Friend of yours since 5th grade, and you're close enough that you were one of the guys dressed up in the chicken suit at his wedding.
Nate Schierholtz (SF) - Man, what a weirdo. You have a friend who got set up on a date with him and hasn't been the same since.
Jake Dittler (SF) - What an asshole. Has friends but nobody can quite figure out why.
Mike Jacobs (FLA) - You know three different guys with this name; none of them especially well. At least one of them is involved with YUSSR.
Aaron Heilman (NYM) - You don't know him but saw him on onlysimchas and thought his fiance was attractive.
Yoel Hernandez (SEA - yep, real guy) - Neighborhood Dominican in the Heights who walked into the beis at YU by mistake one day and just never left. Learns much better than you now.
Jonah Bayliss (KC) - One day you'll get the courage to tell him that it's all well and good that he's so religious now, but everybody knows about the Russian prostitute when he was in Ner Jake.
Kevin Mench (TEX) - I threw him in there for the benefit of the one person out there who hasn't realized the joke about his last name. Got it now?
Adam Stern (BOS) - I personally don't know any Adam Sterns. I'm probably the only religious Jew in the world who fits that description.
Jeremy Bonderman (DET) - One of those guys who knows everybody in the world in very random ways. If this guy didn't go to Flatbush and Columbia, I'm stunned.

I've hit a new low, haven't I?

4 Comments:

Blogger Adam said...

Phenomenal. And I think we all know a few Jake Dittlers and Jonah Baylisses. (They both seem to be very preachy about their newfound faith – Jonah at least was a nice guy, but Jake was such a prick and will probably abuse his wife using religion as a pretense.)

And doesn’t Jeremy Bonderman have a club on facebook dedicated to how yeshivish he is? Or, when you said that this was the all-yeshiva team, what you in fact meant was that it was the all-modern orthodox metropolitan yeshiva high school team?

1:34 AM  
Blogger The Fades said...

this reminds me about how we decided that ben rothlisberger is straight out of yeshivah, especially the way he walks the sidelines with the backwards hat on. and also the scruffy beard. Shkoyach big ben on the playoffs, and maybe i'll see u on ben yehudah.

9:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are too funny. What about the real jews in baseball!

12:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also want a blog about Mets signing steriod Boone!

6:50 PM  

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