Sunday, December 25, 2005

Herry (or is it Mappy) Chrismika to You and Yours!

Merry Christmas to all. Hope that your Christmas Day has been filled with family, gifts, goodwill, cheer, tinsel, ham, and whatever else it is that's supposed to happen on Christmas.

Alternatively, Happy Chanukah. Hava nagilah to all my Jewish readers. Isn't that how you people greet each other? Hope you all enjoyed your matza ball soup and gefilte fish, which, if TV has been correct all my life, are eaten by Jews at every festive gathering, regardless of the holiday or occasion.

During this holiday period, it is incumbent upon us all to reflect on what is truly important. To think about what every man, woman, and child deserves above all else. I'm talking, of course, about gifts. Ah yes, gifts. What's that you say? You want to live simply, and only exchange items of small worth with your intimate family and friends? Who are you, Ebeneezer Scrooge? We ought to send the bee from the Honey Nut Cheerios box after you, that will change your tune. (By the way, I think they finally stopped airing that commercial, presumably because the actor who played Scrooge in it died some time during the Reagan administration.) Gift receiving is what makes the holidays so exciting for people. It sure as hell ain't the religion, because if it were, I think we'd see a lot more commercials for Ash Wednesday and Tisha B'Av than we currently do. So in that vein, a few baseball related gifts that I'd like during the coming year:

1. People will stop complaining about interleague play. Every other sport has interleague play and nobody bats an eyelash. You don't hear, "Man, these interconference games are a waste, why have the Chargers play the Panthers?" It's a given that at some point every few years all the teams in the sport will play each other, because they're in the same league. But in baseball, every year you have people bitch and moan about how terrible it is, holding onto this relic of a notion that the AL and NL are two separate entities to meet only in the All Star Game and the World Series. Tell you what we can do. Why don't we get rid of interleague play, free agency, and go back to two leagues of 8 teams each, sound good? And while we’re at, how about we draft your son into the Korean War. This year will mark the tenth season of interleague play. It’s time for the holdouts to stop lamenting it and accept it as a regular part of the schedule. Sure, there’s nothing all that exciting about a Tigers-Pirates game, but there isn’t anything all that exciting about a Rockies-Pirates game either.

2. We’d know the actual ages of every Latin player in baseball. I’m just tired of this guessing. “Furcal says he’s 28? Probably 31. El Duque says he’s 36? Nah, gotta be 39. Julio Franco says he’s 47? No, no he’s probably a corpse – have you seen Weekend at Bernie’s?” I’ve become so in the habit of doing this that I read that Alberto Gonzales turned 50 and concluded that he must really be 53. This is a problem.

3. It's the holidays. No time to wish ill upon your fellow man. So I will request my first gift as follows - I would like John Sterling to remain in perfect health and financially solvent for many, many years. I would also like him to do so while remaining as far away from a broadcast booth as is humanly possible. If you haven't heard John Sterling call a game, then you're missing out. For, did you know that Jason Giambi's name can cleverly be converted to the "Giambino," in a brilliant play on the nickname of Yankees legend Babe Ruth, a/k/a "The Bambino?" And that Alex Rodriguez may be lauded after hitting a home run by calling him "Alexander the Great," in a reference to the famed Greek general? Or that it is not the Yankees who win games, but theeeeeeeeeeeee Yankees who win games? See, I'll bet you didn't. Alas, if my gift wish is granted, you never will know, because John Sterling will be replaced by somebody who doesn't currently suffer from severe brain damage. (And that isn't wishing ill, that is merely diagnosing it.)

These three gifts and I'll be happy for 2006. I'm very easy to please. Happy Holidays everybody.

3 Comments:

Blogger The Fades said...

was getting worried that it would be zero comments; an occurence that can turn any blogger towards manic depression.

5:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude you are hilarious!!

6:02 PM  
Blogger Eric B said...

Thank you. I don't know if this is one of my friends lying to me or an actual reader who genuinely is enjoying the blog (the less likely option), but I'll accept it either way.

2:47 AM  

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