Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Welcome

Greetings. Welcome to the first post in what I hope will be daily baseball related musings and observations. Why daily? Because there's always something going on in baseball, and I have no life. Some preliminaries:

1. I make no claims to having any inside scoop or rumors that you don't have. Now, I have been known to check espn and other such websites at an alarmingly frequent rate, so I may hear of things sooner than many other people. But all my sources are the standard sources to which we all have access. And it's not exactly like Peter Gammons is Mr. Accuracy, so who's to say having an "inside scoop" is worth anything anyway? (and I will die a happy man if I can get three people to agree with me that Gammons looks like Paul McCartny and/or Deputy Dog - anybody with me?)
2. I'm well aware that this blog is one of a zillion out there, and I don't think I'm doing anything particularly unique. However, if I can get a small readership group out there, that's enough. Yup, a small readership group, a million bucks, four hos, and a bottle of cris, and I'm good.
3. My roommate has a blog, and this is not an attempt to upstage him. He writes about a wide range of topics, and he does truly excellent work. Very funny stuff. Check him out at thefades.blogspot.com. It's well worth it.
4. So everybody knows the deal - I'm a Mets fan. LETS GO METS!!!! WOOOO!!!! However, to clear up any future rumors, I am not Cowbell Man.
5. Your final grade will be based on a midterm, final, and two papers.
6. I'm sorry, that joke in #5 wasn't even remotely funny. I'm just nervous.You're expected to be witty when you start blogging, and I'm clearly trying too hard. I'm very, very sorry.

Ok, let the fun and games begin!

I'd like to talk about Kenny Rogers. I'm not a big fan of country music and I've never known when to hold them OR when to fold them. But I do like fried chicken. In fact, I love fried chicken. And I do like the Seinfeld episode about the Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurant. So let's hear it for Kenny Rogers.
What, did you think I was talking about the guy who signed an insane 2 year deal with the Tigers last week? Ok, fine since I can see that you're disappointed, let's discuss him. Let's discuss that Kenny Rogers should thank God every single night from this point forward that a team like the Detroit Tigers exists. A team whose supposedly astute GM, Dave Dombrowski, could find nothing better to do with $16 million over the next 2 years than to give it to a 41 year old pitcher. A 41 year old pitcher who allows more hits than innings pitched every year, had a 4.76 ERA in 2004, and, oh yeah, tried to murder a cameraman this year. If Kenny Rogers pitches even half as well in 2006 as he did in 2005, I'll let him push ME to the ground in retaliation for my remarks. This is why these garbage franchises like the Tigers remain garbage franchises. When they have money to spend, they think that the goal is just sign somebody, anybody, who's just good enough to be press conference worthy, and they wildly overpay for these players who will vastly underperform relative to the contract given. How the hell is Kenny Rogers going to help the 2006 Tigers, much less the 2007 Tigers? Save the money for a good free agent next winter. Then again, this is the same team that hired Jim Leyland, who has managed to pull the rare managerial hat trick - quitting on three different teams in his career - and who hasn't really been successful since before Barry Bonds' head grew 6 sizes. So we shouldn't be surprised. Tigers fans, I'm sorry for you.

Why the hell am I getting so worked up over what the Tigers do? Beats me. But these press conferences really burn me up. The Cubs had press conferences to introduce Scott Eyre and Bobby Howry earlier this offseason. I remember last year the Brewers had a press conference for Damian Miller. People - these are very shitty players. Shouldn't there be some limit to who merits a press conference? Is the local media that desperate to meet low level catchers and middle relievers in person? Is the Cubs fan salivating over the chance to buy his very own Scott Eyre jersey? What's next, a press conference for the new assistant to the traveling secretary? And then after you've devalued the press conference, what do you do for a real star? Say the Cubs were to get Miguel Tejada this winter, do they rename Wrigley Field after him? Or if the Brewers were somehow able to acquire an actual star, would they, uh....ah geez, what the hell does Milwaukee have? Um, would they rename Wisconsin after the guy? (yes, that will do). Let's keep things in perspective teams, and don't let your fans think that these crap acquisitions are supposed to get them excited.

And Milton Bradley to the A's, let's talk about that. We've all heard of the trades where you say "if this guy can stay healthy, he could really help them out." But I like the rare trade where you say, "if this guy can stay not crazy, he could really help them out." You don't see those too often, but you have it with Mr. Board Game (hardy har har - betcha never realized that Milton Bradley, while being a baseball player's name, is also the name of a board game manufacturer! ZING!) Seriously, I think it's probably about time to give up the hope that Bradley can stay healthy, sane, and productive from April through October. He hasn't been able to do that with three different teams, and I'm not sure that he'd start doing that now. Hey, wait a sec, he's messed up three different teams. Maybe he and Jim Leyland should get together. Memo to Dombrowski: Reserve $50 million for when Milton Bradley becomes a free agent. It'll be money well spent, I assure you.

Ok folks, that's it for the maiden voyage. Frankly, I'm not that impressed with my work this time, but be patient with me - I'm new at this. Not blogging, writing English - I just got my GED.

3 Comments:

Anonymous kraut said...

Peter Gammons is the male version of Suzyn Waldman. Both are ponderous old fools who shouldn't be allowed on the airwaves (or whatever medium television travels through). They've both got that whiny, nasally voice that makes you want to change the channel.

All of that said, I would like to welcome Eric to the blogosphere - a forum that, he will soon learn, is populated only by friends of the blogger and bizarre, hyper-critical wackos.

He will progress through the stages that all bloggers encounter: 1) The enthusiastic stage, when the blogger feels like he is really contributing something to the world and will soon be rich and famous because great masses of people are eager to hear his thoughts. 2) The obsessive stage, in which the blogger checks his blog every ten minutes to read and respond to comments. 3) The sickening realization stage, the point at which the blogger discovers that - well - his blog is kinda like other people's blogs and that all the people who read it also eat their boogers. 4) Surrender - when the blogger finally calls it quits but posts once every two months so that he can say he still has a blog.

By the goyim, they have these - what do you call them - blogs? Phe! chas v'shalom

2:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eric Bienenfeld should be lauded. Apparently, obsessing over baseball did not waste enough of his time. There was probably the occasional break from ESPN.com to read ESPN the Magazine or Sports Illustrated. However, such exercises are dangerous because they may lead to reading something relevant to real life (the proverbial slippery slope that we are all familiar with). Eric has found a medium for focusing his full concentration on the computer so as to avoid the yetzer hara to do something constructive.

Just one comment about the blog itself: There's really no reason for someone who no one holds in any serious regard to be so self-conscious when writing a BLOG (Big Losers from Other Galaxies). No one expects to laugh when you make a joke, so there's no reason to apologize - it will only throw off your readers.

That said - congratulations on finding a way to reaffirm the sadness that is Eric Bienenfeld.

-Publius

12:05 PM  
Blogger Adam said...

I want to have a comment on Eric's first post ever. Who knows, maybe he'll make something of this and I can always say I was here from the beginning. I mean, this'll probably fizzle out, but what's the harm in posting a little something? Very little risk for a possible big reward.

10:03 PM  

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